Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"No we don't have any kids.........Oh it's ok, you don't have to be sorry."

This is my response to a conversation I have very often with random people.

It goes something like this....

random person: Do you and your husband have children?

me: No, we sure don't. Not yet, at least.

random person: Oh my goodness I am so sorry....

me: Oh, you don't have to be sorry it is fine, we just haven't had children yet.

random person: Well, how old are you?

me: Ummmmmm, I'm about 27ish

random person: OH, how long have you been married?

me: Almost 4 years.....

random person: Wow, ya'll haven't had any children yet, you better get started times a ticking.

It is always worse near Mother's Day. Mother's Day was the day Ant hurt his foot. EVERYWHERE we went that day someone would ask me if I was a Mother and then this WHOLE conversation would be started. It goes pretty much the same EVERY time. Sometimes I get tired of it. I mean I do know how old I am, and I do realize we do not have children yet!

The reason we do not have children yet is because....... well I guess there are a lot of reasons



I have not been diagnosed with this but I think I might have Tocophobia. Has any one ever heard of it? It is the scardness (not sure if that is a word but I hate saying the word "fear") of being pregnant. I am not really scared of having babies so I am not sure if I would technically be considered in the tocophobia group. I just get really nervous about anything medically and that includes child birthing! :) I have always just thought adoption would be a better method. I know there are some people out there that get weirded out about a baby actually living in them and all that, but that is not where my scardness is. I would just be nervous about the whole actual birth and nastiness like blood.....ewwwwwwwwwwwww! I know I am a big ol chicken :) You don't have to tell me! I get nervous when I get a paper cut! Anyway this isn't something I can't get past, but it is something I think about.


My weight has always played a huge part in why we didn't have babies. I look back now and we should have just done it right when we got married! I think back to why we didn't then and there was lots of reasons. We had just gotten married for one. I wanted to weight until I had lost some more weight. I should have just went for it, because let's face there is lots of things I have accomplished since we married but loosing weight has never made the list :) Every time I go to the Dr., the lady station Dr. I get the same spill......you can't have a baby now you weigh way too much. The last time I was at the Dr. she told me I had to loose at least 40ish pounds before I should even try. Now it would probably around 50ish :) I have always been so scared to get pregnant because of my weight. Really one of the main reasons for me wanting this surgery is I do want children! I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does. Here in the deep south if you aren't married and at least popped out 2 kids by the time your 25 they consider you WEIRD!!!!!

Now that I have analysed this blog really there are only two big reasons MY WEIGHT and MYSELF.


Sometimes I wonder if I sabotage my weight loss myself because I know if I am fat I can't have a baby? That was really even hard for me to type. I do wonder that sometimes though. I really do want babies so bad. I hope once I loose the weight for good I will be so excited I will just go for it! I am so excited about getting this surgery! I think it is going to be the best thing in the world for me! I think it is going to help me get over some stuff and help me grow as a person! By this time next year ever thing is going to be different! Hey, I might even be pregnant.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!!!


TracyZ said...

I have the same conversation hundreds of times every year. Having kids is such a personal thing. There are people that choose to not have kids, there are people that want to but can't, there are people that want them but not right now...so many reasons. It isn't anyone's business why you have or do not have kids!!

And this surgery will change your life. You will be different. Its inevitable.

Kim said...

Oh my goodness Mary, you just made me cry. I have that same conversation with people all the time. I know exactly how you feel. I want a baby so bad. It will happen for both of us soon! This surgery is going to make it happen for both of us :)

Camille said...

People are just awful. My three closest friends are married, over 40, without children, and HAPPY! They travel and go on last minute weekend trips and have great jobs. They have wonderful husbands and two of them have decided to NOT have children. The third tried and had problems and finally quit making herself miserable and embraced her freedom. You are young. You have years to decide if you want kids and regardless you will always have love in your life and a family.

Jen said...

Mary - I know how you feel. However, I am 38, almost 39 and have been married for almost 8 years, no kids. Not for lack of trying!! People just naturally assume that you get married, you buy a house, you have kids, you get a dog, etc.. bam.. done deal! People ask me ALL.THE.TIME why we don't have kids and my response is usually "not yet"... it's really no one's business. Now that I've had the surgery, everyone is even more busy-body and asking and honestly, for the first time in a long time, I don't want to be pregnant!! I want to get to my goal weight and then see what my options are!! I love my life with my husband, we get to go anywhere we want at a moment's notice (althought that doesn't happen very often!) and do anything without having to think about others. Enjoy your life, get the surgery and see where life takes you!!

Bonnie said...

Not to get personal, but how does your husband feel? I know it's so easy for me to say to you that the pain of childbirth is so minimal compared to the joy of having children, but it's just words. If you are truly scared, maybe you should consider adoption. Or, once you have your surgery and lose weight, you might feel completely different. I wish my husband and I had more alone married time before we had children so enjoy your time with your husband. At 27 you have PLENTY of time!

-Grace- said...

There is no rush for you to have children. You are still so young!

If you're really afraid of the birthing process, adoption is a great choice. There are so many kids in the system that need loving homes.

Alison said...

Going to sound like a bad mother, I have 2 kids, I love them desperatly but i'm so jealous of people who don't have any!

You're 27, you have lots of time.

Mary said...

Thanks ya'll!!!! Ia'll have really made me feel better! I had to have this converstaion last night again! One of my friends who is probable 22 just had her first child. We went to see them and it wasn't long until the "well when are ya'll going to have kids" question came up. Now I have just started telling people I am having weight loss surgery so not any time soon. That usually shuts them up real fast!!!! When you metion weight loss surgery it imediatley gets another type of conversation started! :) I do want to have kids and I would totally be up for adoption, in fact I hope one day my husband and I can adopt :) All in God's timing! I have to get healthy FIRST!!!!! Oh, and as for my husband, when we first got married he wanted kids right off the bat. It was me that was always like we need to wait, I need to loose weight, ....... When I bring it up now a days he always tells me he doesn't want to sound mean but he likes the way our life is now, just me and him. I agree, right now in our lives I am loving it just being me and him!!!!! :) I know one day soon........we will eventually want to have children and our lives will change forever, so right now I am just going to sit back relax have surgery and most of all ENJOY life :)

Yvonne said...

OMG here is Sydney Australia 27 is still fairly young to be starting a family - I had my first when I had been married for 3 years (together for 5) and when I went to the parenting classes I was one of the youngest I think I was 28 years old

I think the comments get to you more when you don't fully know what you want - well that is how I am anyway. Don't worry about peoples comments - what you decide for your life is going to be what is best for you!!! :-)

Dirttrackdiva said...

wow. i had to check and make sure i was reading someone else's blog and not my own. i'm in kid limbo right now as well. i'm 29 and my hubby is 36. i get the "when are you guys going to have kids" bit a lot. usually i tell them when i'm damn good and ready and they'll be some of the first to know when the decision is made. then i tell them that practice makes perfect so right now we're getting in a lot of practice. lol that usually shuts them up. try that.

TnT said...

Hi Mary, it's Trinity. I'm sorry you have to deal with nosey people. I know several thin women who have struggled with infertility for years and they get the same thing from friends and family.

27 is still young. I had my first when I was 27 and just had my second at 34...after a year of trying (and unsuccessful w/fertility drugs too). I know lots of people who are having their 1st in their mid 30s. I think it's smart that you are waiting til you're healthier. It will only make your pregnancies more enjoyable. Mine were filled with complications and quite frankly, I never got that cute baby bump! I just looked fatter. :( As for the fear of being pregnant and giving birth...you will get over that the second you find out there is a miracle made out of love residing in you. It's a beautiful thing!

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