what if's....... :(

WARNING: I am having a lot of doubtful thoughts and I don't know who else to talk to about them with other than God and ya'll! :(

Where to start. I am having some major doubtful thoughts about this whole thing. I need some advice! I need some answers! Can ya'll help me?

It really all started when a nasty blogger harassed me for a week. Someone who doesn't believe in weight loss surgery. I know I shouldn't let negative things like that effect me. But, the reality is no matter how much you try not to think about what they said or commented the damage is already done. The words had already been typed, and I had already read them. I tried to forget them and shove them in the back of my mind, but they kept creeping on out.

On top of all this I googled this yesterday,"Is lap band surgery dangerous?" Stupid, stupid thing to google. Especially when you are like 1 month from lap band surgery. STUPID!!!! Of course it was a HORRIBLE site, with HORRIBLE stories with HORRIBLE endings. I will spare ya'll the details of these stories.

I cried yesterday. I cried because for like the first time in a long time I really didn't know if I could go through with this. I know it sounds really silly, but after reading all these horror stories I didn't know if I wanted to risk everything to place a band around my stomach.

Did any of you ever think, what if? Did any of ya'll ever have doubts?

What if this doesn't work? What if I did all this preparing for nothing?

What if I risked my life for nothing?

All these people had HORRIBLE stories of what had happened to there family members. I don't want anything like that to happen to me.

Did any of ya'll ever have doubts like these?

Am I crazy? I keep thinking maybe I can do this myself. But the honest answer is I know I can't. If I could I would have already done it. I want kids so bad. I am turning 28 next Monday. When I turned 27 I "promised" myself I was going to loose weight so I could get pregnant when I was 28. Never happened. I have tried a lot of diets during this year. Did a "only eat what God makes" diet. Joined a gym and tried their program. Never happened.

What scared me the most about all these HORRIBLE stories and negative talk are these questions...... Can ya'll help me?

All these people had HORRIBLE things happen to their family members after the surgery. I can't even type it. Did any of you ever worry something would go wrong? Have you ever known someone to have severe complications from the surgery?

They all talked about how no one has really had the band in for very long. They said they only knew people like 5 years out and they all had severe complications. They even said they had stopped doing this procedure in Europe because of the long term side affects and HORRIBLE complications it was causing. Have ya'll ever heard of this? Do you know anyone that had has the band for a LONG time? Do non reversible complications occur after several years?

Is this surgery safe? Is the band safe?

I know I am asking a lot of hard questions, but I don't know who else to turn to. I have prayed and prayed about this, and I am just really not sure.

Sorry for this very very depressing post!!!

I promise to return to your scheduled Mary happiness next post!

I would really appreciate ANY help ya'll could offer.

PLEASE!

Friday Randomness / BYOC :)

1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion).

I have never really had ANY jobs that had excellent perks. I would consider these things excellent perks....massages(no fair Draz), nap times, free merchandise, getting paid for a whole day but only working half. You get the picture! Really good perks! My current job has good benefits. I have a good amount of paid time off awarded to me every month, and pretty good insurance! So, that would have to be the best I guess.

2. Do you ever lie in your blog?

No, never. I try not to lie at all even in real life! I try really hard to not even exaggerate or anything!

3. What do you wear to bed?

Sometimes I wear nothing ;) Sometimes I wear just undies ;) Sometimes I wear shorts and a tank/tee ;)

4. Where do you go for advice?

God! I pray about every aspect in my life. Even though it may be trivial, to me it isn't! Gran Gran, my 80 year old Grand Mother that I speak with daily and see at least 2x a week, the smartest woman I know who always tells me the truth no matter what! My husband, he always has the best advice for any situation! I totally get why people come to him all the time for council!!! My Mommie and my sisters, sometimes they just know you the best!

5. Repeat question. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why?

I have been through a rough week with haters, so I nominate myself! Can you do that???


Thank God for Fridays!!!!

It is days like yesterday....

It is days like yesterday when I come home and my grass needs cutting so bad it is this high.....

And my laundry needs to be put up so bad it is stacked this high.....

That I sit back and thank God for all he has done for me. For this amazing life He has given me and my husband. For all the small things in my life that I don't always take time to thank Him for. Like how much I love my Minnie Mouse key chain and key holder.

Thank you for letting me find and buy this key chain and key holder God! I love it :) It makes me smile!

I sit back some more and Praise God for His presence in my life! Thank you!

Then I go on about my night and head on to church. I come home and sit on the couch with Ant and watch a movie while I spend time with him!

And then, I smile and thank God again because I know my grass and laundry will still be there tomorrow!

It's the small things in life that aren't worth getting your panties in a wad for! It's the small things in life that are the best! Just remember to thank Him for those things too! :)

Wish List

Good morning!!!

Guess what my birthday is coming up!!!!

I am going to be a whopping 28 years old!!!

Getting to close to 30 for my comfort!

There are a few things I have been wanting! One is a have to for my weight loss and the other is a goal!

Here they are...

I need a scale desperately! I have this horrible old one that really doesn't work at all! I am not sure this is the exact scale that I need or want. I am wanting one that measures like the .1. You know what I mean? So if I went from like 230.4 to 230.3 I would still know I am loosing and it would still encourage me! I like the ones that can do all that cool stuff also! I was looking yesterday at Walmart.com and saw some that even measured like body water and your BMI!!!! If that really works I want one that can do all that stuff too! I would love to know what your favorite scale is, and if it is worth it to buy one with all the bells and whistles!!! Let me know ladies and boys!!!! ;)

Here is the goal item! I have to confess I dream about being able to wear these shorts. I just love them! I think they are beautiful! I can totally see me as one of these people that are just so gorgeous and thin and free that can just throw on a pair of these shorts and a t-shirt and go shopping or wherever! Disclaimer - once I can fit into these shorts I plan on living in them! I want like every color!!! A couple of weeks ago me and my husband were in a Hibbits Sports shop and I showed them to him! He thinks they are a great goal prize also! He told me once I could fit in them I could buy all the colors I wanted!!!!

Ok, so that is 2 items on my wish list! I need some more so I can give people birthday hints ;) What else would be a great investment for me? What items do you love that you couldn't do the band or your weight loss with out?? I need ideas!!!!!

I also want to take just a quick minute to thank everyone for there support during this horrible time with one horribly nasty blogger. All your comments have been great and all the emails have been greatly appreciated!!! I am going to keep on trucking on this path, because I know where the path is headed!

P.S. - I know nasty creepy man is still trashing me on his blog. It does hurt my feelings that he would take my "To DO List" from my blog and post it on his blog to make fun of me. But, you know what that is ok. It is his blog. I know the purpose for that to do list, and it has been a helpful tool to me during this journey. I am taking the high road, because I just don't really care. I am sure he is not the first person to make fun of me and sadly probably not the last. I can't expect everyone in the world to jump on my band wagon and support me in life. Some people just don't get it. The truth is sometimes it is just hard being famous. ;)

Why Me?

Whoa!!!!! Can I just say that I have obviously made Allan and his 18 followers very mad!!! They are all discussing me on his blog!! Fun times! Oh, and they are even leaving me comments defending Allan! :) I am actually a celebrity here in blog land! Yes, Allan has dedicated another post to me accusing me of all kinds of things! Did ya'll know I wear a size 40 dress???? Oh, and I almost forgot he even put a link to my blog in his post!!!! He is so sweet! ;)

Just to clear up a few things in case I have not been totally clear...... this is not for Allan's purpose (I could really give a flip what he thinks) it is for my new followers I have gained since the Allan fiasco!!!

1. I am a CHRISTIAN. My husband is a Pastor. I love the LORD with my whole heart and soul! Everything I do, I do trying my hardest to be a good example and to please HIM!!! Just because I defended myself does not mean I am not a Christian. It doesn't work like that. God forgives me when I ask for forgiveness. I do not feel like I did anything wrong, but I did ask God to forgive if by defending myself I in fact hurt Allan.

2. I always pride myself on my attitude toward life and toward myself. If you have ever even taken I a couple minutes to read my blog you should be able to see this! I try to be a good person and I think I succeed at this often.

3. I have never said weight loss surgery was a cure all. In fact I have preached the opposite in this blog and in real life. I am an open and honest person and I can say whole heartedly that I have never made statements that sounded anything like that!

4. It is true that I have not been banded yet. But, it is also true that I have fought very hard for over 6 months to make this happen and I can not discredit that. I know I may not know exactly what it is going to be like on the "other side," but I can promise you this.....I have a very good idea! I have a good idea because I have a wonderful surgeon that has a awesome supportive staff that is here to help me in any way they can! I attend support groups for lap banders. I have done my research. I have blogged about this process since day 1 and have over 100 great followers. I know what I am doing and I have full intentions of SUCCEEDING!!!!

5. Yes it hurts my feelings that Allan is still talking about me on his blog, calling me fat and saying I am not a Christian. It also hurts my feeling s that they all think I am eating truck loads of food before I have my surgery. In all honesty I haven't gained a lb since I started this process. I really have probably lost a couple lbs. I do think it is rude to state that I need psychological therapy but, not everyone in life is going to get along with you and think you are a fabulous star! I am over it! Personally I think he is a DICK HEAD. He is probably just trying to get more followers since he only has like 18.

Ok. So now that that is over with, let's go back to the fun loving, life loving, positive attitude Mary that everyone else loves too!!!!!!

I drank my first protein shake for breakfast this morning!!!! It really wasn't that bad!

Thanks for all the support during this!!!

Do ya'll ever just think "Why me"?????

Comments fixed...Sorry about that!!!!

Hey guys!!!! I fixed my blog so everyone can comment now! I am so bummed that I messed something up and everyone wasn't allowed to comment on my last post!!! It is fixed now so GO COMMENT!!!! ;)

I really can not believe this......HOW RUDE!!!!!!!

I am just really shocked right now!!!! This is really SAD and horrible, and if I could figure out how to make someone not follow my blog I would BAN this person from my blog!!! I have been blogging for several months and have never had ANYONE leave me a comment that was negative in ANYWAY until I got a follower named Allan. I don't follow him so I can't link you to his blog, but trust me you do not want to go there anyway! He is basically against weight loss surgery, at least that is what I can gather from his blog (the little time I spent there!) I did not follow him first either. He followed me. The first comment he ever left me was this:

Great stuff, and I wish you all the luck and love in the world. Take a minute and come visit my little corner of crazy land. Start at the beginning, and think about it a little.
http://almostgastricbypass.blogspot.com/

Whatever you do, everyone is here to help !!!

I thought ok, I always try to follow everyone that follows me, so off to his blog I went and started following him before I ever even pulled up his actual blog. Once I followed him I went to his blog and noticed the name of it was "Almost Gastric Bypass." I thought that was weird, but really didn't think that much about it. I kind of figured he probably wasn't all about weight loss surgery, but never figured he would voice that or leave negative comments on my blog. Especially since my blog was about MY journey to get the lap band and MY life ;) Boy was I wrong. I couple post later he left this comment:

I love the positive thoughts. Please read, really read the blogs of the successful band folks. They are a great source of the realistic goals of the band, and the problems.. The best wishes...

I'll be honest when I read this comment it kind of made me upset. It might just be me, I might have just taken it wrong, but IT FLEW ALL OVER ME. I thought it was border line RUDE!!! I just felt like it was a negative comment. At this point I really just wanted him to stop commenting on my blog because I feel like I am at a point in my journey where I need nothing but SUPPORT and ENCOURAGEMENT in a POSITIVE atmosphere!!! I couldn't figure out how to make someone stop following your own blog, so I talked about it with Kim (Good Bye Fatty McButter Pants) to see if she had any ideas!!! I also asked her what she thought and she agreed with me about it almost being rude!!!! So, I decided to just defollow myself from his blog in hopes he would get the picture! I figured he would notice since he only had a few followers. No such luck. I wrote a post earlier and he left another really ugly comment. Much worse than any of the others. I can't paste it on here because when I responded to it he deleted it!!!! It went something along the lines of this:

If you are having weight loss surgery you need to stick to the plan and not eat a small country before you have surgery.

There was more to it, but that is the gist of it!!! It just really made me MAD!!!!!! And, it really hurt my feelings!!! I had had enough and this is what I responded:

Allan.....I really appreciate you following my blog and taking time to comment! I also really admire you for being able to loose weight without any type of weight loss surgery. I think that is great, but I also have tried to do it that way with out any success. I have done a ton of research on getting banded and I am sure of my decision. I would appreciate if you continue to comment on my blog they be positive comments. The past comments you have left, I feel, have been border line rude and disrespectful! I know myself and I know my limits. I will not be eating a small country before I have weight loss surgery! This is a POSITIVE blog about MY thoughts and feelings and MY journey to weight loss surgery!!!!! I really do not appreciate ANY NEGATIVITY!!!!!!

Not TOO mean but I believe I got my point across.......

Allan then decided to give me a SHOUT OUT on his blog! :) This is what he had to say about me: (I blanked out his cuss words on my own!!!!)

Lost another one today. My bad. If you ask people to comment about your story, or about your thoughts, then take them as they come, or don't f****** ask. You can call me fat, tell me I am insane, tell me I will fail, whatever you want, it is all good. If you are getting surgery, whatever kind, or on a diet, or just don't freaking care that you are 700 pounds because it makes you happy, then go with God and enjoy. If you are going to get a lap band, and have to start a special diet pre-surgery, and that start is in a week, it is not time to start the engines and put your local McDonald's out of business. We get the surgery and the need. It is food people, and if that is your comfort place, no surgery in the world will fix that ever. Worse, if you are in the state that we are in, and are getting surgery or are taking drastic measures to fix a problem, "I am getting surgery soon" should not be a reason to bulk up. God forbid you remind someone about this, albeit nicely, your a** is hated and ridiculed. Eat up, knock yourself out, we will support the efforts the week after. News flash from a real fat a** over here. It takes 18 solid months of watching everything you eat, with the surgery, to lose 90 pounds. See CHRISTINE'S story of success. Want to add 20 pounds in ten days, that 18 months becomes 21 months. Nice plan. Again, kudos for getting better, but why the f*** would you get worse before the start. IT IS JUST FOOD !!!!!

It is hard for me to even read this!!!!!! So, this is for ALLEN!!!! I just though I would clear up somethings!!

First of all, I never asked you to comment on my blog or even read my blog. You found me buddy, and you followed me. If you do not like weight loss surgery do not go around following people that their blog is entitled "Band Me...I'm Ready." I am far form 700 lbs. JERK and I still look better at my current weight than you will probably EVER!!! My pre-op diet doesn't start in a week. If you are going to waste your time by commenting on my blog at least have enough respect to read the post before you comment. I do not even have a pre-op appointment yet, but I can promise you I will! My local McDonald's is not going to go out of business. That comment is just really rude. Thank you very much I have only ate there 2x this week ;) Just a side note, it's rude to make fat jokes about fat people period, but especially rude when you are fat as well. I really appreciate your concern for me, but I KNOW MYSELF and YOU DO NOT KNOW ME! You have no right to decide for me that food is my comfort place, and I do not like you talking negatively about my surgery! It will work for ME because I have faith that it will and I AM READY. I did not hate on you or ridicule you. I find it offensive that you thought that. I simpley asked you to comment positively if you were going to comment. I have 104 other followers that will support me after I accomplish this surgery. I do not need your thoughts or opinions. I really love how you assume that I am having surgery in 10 days and that I am going to gain 20 lbs. in those days also. You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. Everyone is different and looses differently. I am a Christian and do not appreciate when someone speaks negatively into my life. I have never spoken negative things into your life and would appreciate the same respect from you. You know, you are having to take a drastic measure to loose weight also. Eating only 800 calories a day is drastic! Your right it is just food. Maybe you should have stopped eating at McDonald's sooner.

Oh, and Allan please defollow my blog!!!! I have 104 positive supporters beside you!

I am sorry if my wonderful followers think less of me, but enough is enough and I can not take his comments any longer!!!!

I love you all and appreciate ya'lls support through my journey this far!!!!!!

Please don't defollow me unless you are ALLAN!!!!! ;)